Divorce sucks. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, it sucks. It hurts you to the core of your being and it makes you really evaluate what is important in life and your relationships. The good news is at some point you must step out of the ashes and move forward.
My entire life has changed in the last year and a half. I no longer have a husband and, sadly, the person that was once my husband no longer exists. He has been replaced with a very angry, bitter person who has little respect for me. There is certainly love for me somewhere deep inside him but for now it is so pushed down that it is impossible to remember how happy we once were. That has been really hard for me to deal with. I don’t want him to hate me and I completely understand his feelings towards me but it hurts none the less.
I have friends that have stood by me and friends that have left. If you had told me that some of the friends that I believed to be my closest, most important friends would bail on me during this and be replaced by others I would have never believed you. My closest friends now are the ones who stepped up and have held me up during this process. The number of tearful phone calls about “How I can survive this?” or “What the hell have I done?” cannot be counted on even two hands. These women have reminded me time and time again how strong I am. I have learned what true friendship is during this time and it has made ME a much better friend. These are the women who have guided me out of the ashes.
The best thing to come from this process is that I have met ME. Sounds crazy right? Two years ago, I would look in the mirror and not recognize the woman starting back at me. I didn’t know her at all. Sure, she was a mother, a wife, a writer, a friend….but she wasn’t me. I hated that woman. The woman who was insecure about herself and her worth. The woman who didn’t think she was worthy of happiness. The woman who was so depressed that she would cry daily. Who the hell was that? Thankfully she is nearly gone, left behind in the ashes.
I look in the mirror now and I see a happy woman. I am strong, independent and completely worthy of love. I am worthy of happiness and better yet I DESERVE it. I am becoming the woman that I have always been deep inside, but was so pushed down that she couldn’t get out. Of course, I still deal with insecurities now and again but I am not sure that ever ends does it?
As this chapter closes and a new opens, I stand outside the ruble just looking. I cry and mourn the loss of what was. I remember the times that I was amazingly happy with that man and I put them in a very special place in my heart. Then I gather up some of those ashes to keep with me so that I never forget. It is time to walk away now and close the door.
I sometimes think it’s hard for married people to understand the anguish of divorce (probably because we occasionally wish we were!) but you have given me some good insight with your words. I wish you well as you move forward with your life. You do sound a very strong woman. Good luck!
Divorce does in FACT totally suck.
I left my husband 5 months ago today. It was something I had considered for a time much longer than that, but finally got up the nerve to look myself in the mirror and say “You deserve a happier life”. I have definitely had my moments of self doubt, of guilty emotions thinking how I have ripped a family apart, taken my daughter away from a ‘normal’ life, and in the same breath trying to remind myself that in fact what we had as a union was imminently worse together than being apart.
So as I stand here, next to my own rubble, I celebrate YOU and the new path you have chosen to travel. I also celebrate the wonderful women in my life who have gotten me through those painful calls, emails, texts, conversations, depressions, stupid decisions, laughter, hugs.
As with most things in life, this too shall pass.
Rise from the Ashes, and smile at the sun. Today is a new day.
I love this post. You sound so strong and confident. I’m so impressed by how you have handled this past year! Congratulations.
Lia,
I remeber when we were in HS, such good friends you were so much fun. I remeber when we reconnected on Facebook, and I read many of your blogs. My heart ached for you, and I hoped that you would find that spotaneous and funny gal I knew back in the day. I could never completely place myself in your shoes, but understand what you were feeling. I can tell through your posts, and changes that you are headed in the right direction. I follow many of your blogs, and you can really see the changes. I am so happy see how muchyou have grown and knowing what depression does to an individual, I am so happy to hear that person you once didn’t recognize has almost left the building. Knowing yourself is so important, and not at all selfish…you need to know you before you can give yourself to anyone else.
So Great…Congratulations.
Powerful post to read… thank you for sharing your story. So glad it has a happy ending.