Stepping Out of the Ashes

Divorce sucks.  Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.  Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, it sucks.  It hurts you to the core of your being and it makes you really evaluate what is important in life and your relationships.  The good news is at some point you must step out of the ashes and move forward.

My entire life has changed in the last year and a half.  I no longer have a husband and, sadly, the person that was once my husband no longer exists.  He has been replaced with a very angry, bitter person who has little respect for me.  There is certainly love for me somewhere deep inside him but for now it is so pushed down that it is impossible to remember how happy we once were.  That has been really hard for me to deal with.  I don’t want him to hate me and I completely understand his feelings towards me but it hurts none the less.

I have friends that have stood by me and friends that have left.  If you had told me that some of the friends that I believed to be my closest, most important friends would bail on me during this and be replaced by others I would have never believed you.  My closest friends now are the ones who stepped up and have held me up during this process.  The number of tearful phone calls about “How I can survive this?” or “What the hell have I done?” cannot be counted on even two hands.  These women have reminded me time and time again how strong I am.  I have learned what true friendship is during this time and it has made ME a much better friend.  These are the women who have guided me out of the ashes.

The best thing to come from this process is that I have met ME.  Sounds crazy right?  Two years ago, I would look in the mirror and not recognize the woman starting back at me.  I didn’t know her at all.  Sure, she was a mother, a wife, a writer, a friend….but she wasn’t me.  I hated that woman.  The woman who was insecure about herself and her worth.  The woman who didn’t think she was worthy of happiness.  The woman who was so depressed that she would cry daily.  Who the hell was that?  Thankfully she is nearly gone, left behind in the ashes.

I look in the mirror now and I see a happy woman.  I am strong, independent and completely worthy of love.  I am worthy of happiness and better yet I DESERVE it.  I am becoming the woman that I have always been deep inside, but was so pushed down that she couldn’t get out.  Of course, I still deal with insecurities now and again but I am not sure that ever ends does it?

As this chapter closes and a new opens, I stand outside the ruble just looking.  I cry and mourn the loss of what was.  I remember the times that I was amazingly happy with that man and I put them in a very special place in my heart.  Then I gather up some of those ashes to keep with me so that I never forget. It is time to walk away now and close the door.

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